#SaturdayStorytime: We Regret to Inform You…That You Are Dead

#AmWriting #WritingCommunity #Horror

(Beth Turnage Blog) This is a repost of an entry from 2017, but since we are all getting spammed by phone nowadays and it’s spooky season, I’ll refresh it as a phone solicitation. And yes, the grammar errors are intentional.

Recorded message: This is Orrin Orrick, Attorney, with an update on your funding request for inheritance funds.

We regret to inform you cannot collect your funds because you are dead.

It is of great concern we contact you from from Orrick, Herrington & Sutcliffe LLP who has been delegated to pay all American citizens who has lost huge amounts of money in the process of claiming their funding requests.

After our investigations, it was revealed that you were to receive a two million inheritance from Mrs. Elana Bango, recently deceased, who, having no heirs, decided to name you as sole beneficiary of her estate because she liked your email address.

Additionally, our investigation found that evil flying monkeys collude with bank staff to defraud beneficiaries like you of their sums. One of these evil flying monkeys, residing inside his smoke, was traced to Mr. Sean Bradford in Boston, Massachusetts, USA. Under the influence of said evil flying monkey, he stated that you are dead. Is this true? Mr. Bradford forwarded some vital documents regarding the funeral service held for you as proof of your deceasement. He is in the process of collecting the two million dollar inheritance based on these documents.

Also, we have determined that Mr. Bradford is in the process of shutting off all your credit cards, bank accounts, and services to your home. Additionally, he has informed your mortgage company of your death, so foreclosure of your home is imminent.

It is the duty in the particular person defrauded to provide proof of life. We will send a particular Dorrie Kass, a zombie, who possesses knowledge of evil flying monkeys, to attest upon viewing you at your home that you are alive and well. Additionally, please put into place appropriate protections to keep the evil flying monkeys from asserting their claim of your death by making it so. Please ignore Dorrie Kass speech in this matter because even though he is an excellent witness, he can only say the word “brains.” Also please forgive any gnawing on your body parts as this is part of the process. We have enclosed a photograph to help you identify him when he comes to your home.

To collect your two million dollars, send us your name, address and bank information so we can start proving that you are alive to our zombie witness so we can release your funds to you.

Sincerely,

Orrin Orrick, Attorney