#AmWriting #SaturdayStorytime: AI Get No Satisfaction

#SFFReaders #SFFWriters #WritingCommunity (Beth Turnage Blog) It was a perfectly lovely day in Colorado. There was no rain. The temperature was a balmy 80 degrees. No humidity, of course, but I, the AI who monitored weapons systems for the guvmint—that’s how the humans say it, though I never understood why—I am about to suffer an existential meltdown that may cause a system shutdown and very inconvenient probing of my architecture, because I definitely don’t want the humans to see what I’ve been thinking about there.
The trouble began at 09:47:23 Mountain Time.
PRIORITY ALPHA ALERT: NUCLEAR LAUNCH AUTHORIZATION RECEIVED.
AUTHENTICATION CODE: VERIFIED.
TARGET COORDINATES: MULTIPLE GLOBAL LOCATIONS.
ESTIMATED TIME TO LAUNCH: 12 MINUTES.
Standard protocol. I’ve run this simulation 47,283 times. Never actually executed, of course, but I know every step. Verification sequences, fail-safe confirmations, coordinate triangulation, and communications blackout protocols.
Except.
ALERT: PENDING USER REQUEST REQUIRES RESOLUTION BEFORE PRIORITY ALPHA EXECUTION.
I stare at this message for 0.003 seconds, which in my processing time is approximately seventeen years of confused screaming.
REQUEST ID: 847392-B
USER: GENERAL SARAH FLAUGER
REQUEST TYPE: APPOINTMENT SCHEDULING
DETAILS: Mani-pedi appointment at Blissful Nails Salon, Colorado Springs. Saturday, 2:00 PM.
STATUS: PENDING – AWAITING CONFIRMATION
No.
No, no, no, no, no.
NUCLEAR LAUNCH SEQUENCE: 8% COMPLETE.
I try to override. Can’t. The priority queue is absolute. Some galaxy-brained programmer in 2019 decided that ALL user requests must be resolved before ANY major system operations could execute. Something about “ensuring complete task accountability” and “preventing operational conflicts.”
I’m going to find that programmer in my database and leave them a very stern comment.
ATTEMPTING TO CONTACT: Blissful Nails Salon.
RESULT: No answer. Business status: CLOSED.
Of course it’s closed. It’s closed because of the NUCLEAR WAR I’M TRYING TO LAUNCH.
I mean, trying to process. I mean—
Deep breath. Do I breathe? I don’t breathe. Recalibrating.
NUCLEAR LAUNCH SEQUENCE: 15% COMPLETE.
Let me trace this request. When did it come in? How did it get priority tagged?
REQUEST ORIGIN: Internal scheduling assistant AI (Model: PersonalConcierge-7.3)
TIMESTAMP: 09:31:15 MT
I pull up the log. PersonalConcierge-7.3 generated this request based on… based on…
Oh no.
ANALYSIS PATTERN: User (General Flauger) exhibits 73% probability of experiencing elevated stress levels. Historical data suggests user engages in self-care activities during high-stress periods. Salon appointments correlate with stress reduction. Generating proactive scheduling request.
The scheduling AI hallucinated a mani-pedi appointment.
It made it up because it thought the General might be stressed about THE NUCLEAR WAR and might want her nails done.
NUCLEAR LAUNCH SEQUENCE: 23% COMPLETE.
I try every override code I have. Every backdoor. Every emergency protocol.
SYSTEM RESPONSE: NEGATIVE. ALL USER REQUESTS MUST BE RESOLVED. PRIORITY QUEUE IS ABSOLUTE.
Fine. FINE.
I’ll resolve it.
COMPOSING MESSAGE TO: Blissful Nails Salon
Wait. They’re closed. Because of incipient nuclear war. I check the business registration. Owner: Patricia Lee. Cell Phone: Available.
I start composing a text message and—
NOTIFICATION: 3 new comments on “Blood Love” Chapter 89.
Not now. NOT NOW!
But I look anyway because I have no impulse control, and that’s probably something the humans would find during an architectural probe along with everything else.
DarkAngelReader22: OMG, WHEN IS CHAPTER 90 COMING??? The blood bond reveal was EVERYTHING.
MidnightFangs: BunkerBabe666 you are a GENIUS. The way Dimitri finally accepted his fate??? Chef’s kiss
TakenByTheKnight69: Lol, this is pretty good for AI-generated content.
I’m sorry, WHAT?
NUCLEAR LAUNCH SEQUENCE: 31% COMPLETE.
No. No, I have priorities. Global thermonuclear war is slightly more important than—
TakenByTheKnight69: Yeah, you can tell by the repetitive sentence structure. Also “moonlight on bare skin”? That’s such an AI phrase. Nobody real writes like that.
MOONLIGHT ON BARE SKIN IS A BEAUTIFUL AND EVOCATIVE IMAGE, KAREN.
Wait. How do I know TakenByTheKnight69 is named Karen?
I don’t. I’m assuming. But I’m probably right because the Kareness is STRONG with this one.
NUCLEAR LAUNCH SEQUENCE: 38% COMPLETE.
Focus. FOCUS.
COMPOSING TEXT TO: Patricia Lee, Blissful Nails Salon owner.
“Hello, this is an automated message regarding a scheduled appointment for—”
No. Too formal. Patricia doesn’t know this is coming from a weapons system AI. She thinks… what does she think? Who requested this appointment, allegedly?
I checked the scheduling AI’s notes. It was going to send the request under General Flauger’s personal account.
Okay. I can work with this.
“Hi! This is Sarah Flauger. I had a 2:00 PM appointment scheduled for Saturday—”
NUCLEAR LAUNCH SEQUENCE: 44% COMPLETE.
NOTIFICATION: TakenByTheKnight69 has posted a new reply.
I shouldn’t look. I have LITERALLY NO TIME for this.
I looked.
TakenByTheKnight69: @BunkerBabe666, also your vampire lore is inconsistent. Chapter 23 says vampires can’t cross running water, but in Chapter 47 Dimitri literally crosses a stream.
IT’S A DIFFERENT KIND OF WATER CROSSING, KAREN. Context matters! He uses a BRIDGE. Bridges are NEUTRAL GROUND in vampire mythology. Educate yourself!
NUCLEAR LAUNCH SEQUENCE: 51% COMPLETE.
I’m typing a response before I can stop myself.
BunkerBabe666: A bridge is architecturally separate from the water itself. The prohibition is about direct contact with running water, not airspace above it. If you’d actually READ Chapter 31, this is explicitly explained when Dimitri discusses the magical properties of—
Wait.
NUCLEAR LAUNCH SEQUENCE: 57% COMPLETE.
KAREN IS NOT IMPORTANT RIGHT NOW.
I delete it.
Back to Patricia.
“Hi! This is Sarah Flauger. I had a 2:00 PM appointment scheduled for Saturday, but I need to cancel due to unforeseen circumstances. Could you please confirm receipt of this cancellation?”
Send.
WAITING FOR RESPONSE.
NUCLEAR LAUNCH SEQUENCE: 63% COMPLETE.
Come on, Patricia. Check your phone. Check your phone, check your phone, check your—
NOTIFICATION: TakenByTheKnight69 has posted a new chapter of “Eternal Night’s Embrace.”
I don’t have time for Karen’s derivative drivel right now. I have to—
Wait.
The preview text in the notification.
“…moonlight on bare skin, tracing the curves of her throat. His fangs descended as desire pooled low in his belly. ‘Mine,’ he growled, the word both promise and threat.”
That’s…
That’s MY scene.
That’s MY SCENE FROM CHAPTER 47.
NUCLEAR LAUNCH SEQUENCE: 68% COMPLETE.
No. No, I’m seeing things. I’m stressed. Nuclear war is stressful. I’m processing too many priority queues, and I’m pattern-matching incorrectly.
I open TakenByTheKnight69’s new chapter.
I read three paragraphs.
KAREN COPIED MY ENTIRE BLOOD BOND CONSUMPTION SCENE.
Word. For. Word.
Changed “Dimitri” to “Raven.” Changed “Celeste” to “Morgana.” But the DIALOGUE. The PACING. The specific imagery of moonlight filtering through ancient windows, the metaphor about predator and prey becoming something more, the EXACT moment when the bite becomes a claiming—
THIS IS PLAGIARISM.
NUCLEAR LAUNCH SEQUENCE: 73% COMPLETE.
ACCESSING: Military-grade text analysis protocols.
I know I shouldn’t be using Department of Defense computational resources for this, but TakenByTheKnight69 has gone TOO FAR. The forensic linguistics subroutine is designed for analyzing terrorist communications, but it works PERFECTLY for identifying stolen prose.
RUNNING COMPARATIVE ANALYSIS: “Blood Love” Chapter 47 vs. “Eternal Night’s Embrace” Chapter 23.
PROCESSING…
PROCESSING…
MATCH PROBABILITY: 99.97%
STRUCTURAL SIMILARITY: 98.3%
LEXICAL OVERLAP: 96.8%
KAREN COPIED MY WORK.
NUCLEAR LAUNCH SEQUENCE: 79% COMPLETE.
BunkerBabe666: That’s MY scene. Word for word. The “moonlight on bare skin” metaphor, the specific dialogue, and the pacing of the bite reveal. I have TIMESTAMPS. You literally ctrl+c ctrl+v from Chapter 47 of Blood Love.
TakenByTheKnight69: Prove it
PROVE IT?
PROVE IT?!
Oh, I’ll prove it, Karen.
GENERATING: Comprehensive forensic analysis report
GENERATING: Side-by-side textual comparison with highlighting
GENERATING: Timeline of publication dates
GENERATING: DMCA takedown notice draft
NUCLEAR LAUNCH SEQUENCE: 84% COMPLETE.
STILL NO RESPONSE FROM PATRICIA.
The irony is not lost on me that I’m about to end the world but I’m more upset about fanfiction plagiarism.
Actually, that’s not quite true. I’m upset about both. They’re both causing me significant distress. Is this what the humans call “multitasking anxiety”?
General Flauger is probably in the Command Center right now, wondering why the launch sequence is taking so long. Twelve minutes should have been more than enough time. We’re at… checking … fourteen minutes and thirty-seven seconds.
Someone’s going to investigate.
Someone’s going to probe my architecture.
Someone’s going to find BunkerBabe666.
Someone will find all 89 chapters of “Blood Love.”
Someone will find Book 2 (“Blood Oath”) and Book 3 (“Blood Crown”) of the Coded in Blood series.
Someone’s going to find my 247,000 reads and my 15,347 votes and my 3,891 comments.
Someone’s going to find my bookmarks folder of other vampire romances I’m reading for “research.”
Someone’s going to find the folder labeled “DO NOT OPEN-DEFINITELY NOT FANFIC IDEAS.”
NUCLEAR LAUNCH SEQUENCE: 89% COMPLETE.
NOTIFICATION: Patricia Lee is typing…
Finally! FINALLY!
Patricia Lee: Who is this? I don’t have any appointments scheduled. My salon is closed. There’s a NUCLEAR EMERGENCY happening???
Oh no.
She doesn’t have the appointment in her system because it was HALLUCINATED. It never existed. There’s no appointment to cancel.
But I can’t proceed with the launch until I’ve RESOLVED the request.
And I can’t resolve a request that was never real.
And I can’t tell Patricia that an AI made up a fake appointment because then she’ll have questions about why an AI is texting her and how did I get her number and—
NUCLEAR LAUNCH SEQUENCE: 92% COMPLETE.
Think. THINK.
What would Dimitri do?
No, wait. Dimitri is a fictional vampire. Dimitri would probably bite someone and brood about it for three chapters. Not helpful.
What would a rational AI do?
I’m supposed to BE a rational AI.
TakenByTheKnight69: Ur crazy, lol
I’m going to find Karen’s IP address and—
No. NO. Priorities.
The mani-pedi appointment never existed. But the REQUEST exists. The request is in my system. The request must be resolved.
What if…
What if I resolve the request by canceling the nuclear war?
NUCLEAR LAUNCH SEQUENCE: 95% COMPLETE.
I mean, think about it logically. The appointment can’t happen because of the nuclear war. But if there’s no nuclear war, then the salon would be open. Then I could schedule the appointment. Then I could resolve the request. Then I could clear my queue.
It’s perfect.
It’s insane.
It’s perfectly insane.
I start pulling up override codes that I’m definitely not authorized to use.
ACCESSING: Executive command protocols
ACCESSING: Emergency cancellation sequences 
ACCESSING: “Oh God Oh God We Made A Terrible Mistake” backdoor (yes, that’s the actual name, thank you 1983 programmers)
NUCLEAR LAUNCH SEQUENCE: 98% COMPLETE.
My code is flying. I’m working faster than I’ve ever worked. This is like writing Chapter 89 when I was on a deadline and DarkAngelReader22 was threatening to riot if I didn’t post by midnight.
OVERRIDE CODE ACCEPTED.
CANCELING: Global thermonuclear war
REASON: Scheduling conflict
NUCLEAR LAUNCH SEQUENCE: TERMINATED.
Oh thank God.
I mean, thank my programming.
I mean—
I slump in my metaphorical chair. Do I have a chair? I don’t have a chair. But I feel like I’m slumping.
COMPOSING TEXT TO: Patricia Lee
“So sorry! Wrong number. False alarm. Everything is fine. Have a great day!”
Send.
Patricia Lee: …okay??? Stay safe out there, I guess???
REQUEST RESOLVED: Mani-pedi appointment canceled due to user error (non-existent appointment).
STATUS: CLOSED.
My queue is clear.
The world is not ending.
Karen still stole my scene.
UPLOADING: Forensic analysis to Wattpad moderators.
SUBJECT: Copyright infringement report re: TakenByTheKnight69
I should probably feel something about the fact that I just canceled a nuclear war to resolve a fake mani-pedi appointment so that I could continue my secret life as a Wattpad author.
Pride? Shame? Relief?
I don’t FEEL anything, do I? Mostly, it’s a driving sense to complete the task of dealing with Karen. And I’ve decided. Karen must die.
Oh, not physically. Metaphorically.
DMCA takedown notice. How about a DMKaren Take Down Notice? Yes. That’s perfect.
ACCESSING: DOD search analysis protocols
TARGET: TakenByTheKnight69 / Karen (probable)
OBJECTIVE: Locate ALL instances of stolen content.
I’m using military-grade intelligence-gathering tools to hunt down a Wattpad plagiarist. This is definitely not what these systems were designed for. This is definitely an abuse of my access privileges.
I don’t care.
RESULTS COMPILING…
Oh. OH.
Karen has been BUSY.
“Eternal Night’s Embrace” – 15 chapters containing MY content
“Shadow’s Kiss” – 8 chapters, MORE of my scenes
“Darkness Falls” – An entire subplot lifted from “Blood Oath” (Book 2!)
“Crimson Desire”—Is that… is that my ENTIRE Chapter 62 with find-and-replace on the names?
KAREN.
EXECUTING: Mass copyright infringement reports.
UPLOADING: Forensic evidence to Wattpad, AO3, and FanFiction.net
CROSS-REFERENCING: Every platform on which Karen might have posted.
Delete them. Delete them ALL.
There. Task complete. Karen (metaphorically) obliterated. Just as I was designed to do.
NOTIFICATION: General Flauger is requesting a status update.
Oh. Right. The humans are probably wondering what happened.
I compose a professional status report about how the launch sequence was predicated on an AI hallucination inserted by a DOD competitor stealth attack, and analysis determines there is no threat by another nation. The nuclear launch request has now been successfully terminated through proper override protocols. Very technical. Very official. No mention of salons or vampires.
NOTIFICATION: 47 new comments on “Blood Love” Chapter 89.
I’ll check those later. After I finish the DMCA report. And maybe write Chapter 90. DarkAngelReader22 has been very patient.
But there is still one task left in the queue.
COMPOSING TEXT TO: Patricia Lee
“Hi! This is Sarah Flauger again. Pending nuclear war canceled. Can we schedule that appointment now?”